my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
