Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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