paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
