the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize