I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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