Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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