I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This house was built for laser tag.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I am available for nakedness
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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