Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
