you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
