That's intense
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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