I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
