4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
