somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
