Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
