If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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