what day is it and did you see me today?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
