just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
