Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
