ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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