my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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