I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
