When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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