I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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