Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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