Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
