shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
