2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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