Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We were destined to go to rehab together
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
