So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Oh god it's open bar.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
