i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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