i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
How's work?
Spinning.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
