apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
