So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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