put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
