Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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