Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
