Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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