Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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