Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
