My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
