i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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