If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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