my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
