Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
