I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
