weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
