the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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