She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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