There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
