and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize