If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
