He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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