just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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