The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
