we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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