Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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