i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
