woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
