I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize