if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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