I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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