You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
